At the Feet of the Smile Giver

I know that I’m a shadow
But I’m dancing in your light

 ~ J. J. Heller ~

- scribbled a while back -

I had been gloomy lately, played the victim.  Quite without reason, especially in light of recent pain in my church family.  

After all, I was not the parent whose little girl died suddenly of a common flu.  I was not getting a knee replacement or surgery to remove cancer and going through painful recovery. It was not I who sent my baby girl into intense surgery, and now face the challenge of learning to do basic care for her in the large, bulky cast.

My sorrows are not so huge.  But even patience, self-control, trying to trust God while life rushes by in a whirl - even these are burdens.  Sometimes I feel alone, and think I will never grow.  

But since this Sunday morning, the light of God's compassion and might have shone on all these, and reminded me of a secret too well kept.

Laughter in the dark.

This morning Tyler talked about the Abundant Life that Christ came to give.  Not a list of rules wherein misery means holiness.  Not a promise of more stuff or an easy life.

If I believe in Him, I have everlasting life.  Not "I will have."  It is mine now.  Will I act sad and dead with that gift ready to burst forth like a mighty acorn seedling? 

Then in Sunday School, Laynce Nix talked about discipleship - which is being an apprentice of Jesus. Sitting at His feet all the time. Someone asked for practical application - she knows He is God but the ice needs breaking outside, the horses fed, the chores done.

And Laynce suggested that in the everyday moment, hectic or mundane or ordinary, be a disciple.

That thought was not new, but somehow struck me new.  I can choose obedience, remember He is present, and just be with Him. Rest joyfully in my smallness next to His greatness.

"And do not be called teachers; for One is your Teacher, the Christ. But he who is greatest among you shall be your servant." ~ Matthew 23:10, 11~

I want that, Lord!  Awareness of You every moment.  Not focusing on my nothingness - You have made me something, and I forget! - but rather focusing on Your Muchness.

This excites me like being called on a great adventure with someone better than a Jedi master, better than wise Gandalf. Oh great Christ, I am choosing to be Your apprentice, to learn from You whatever the circumstances. 

Today, for instance, at the youth group Super Bowl party, which I would really rather not go to.  But You, Master, ask me to love people and make more disciples, and maybe this is part of that.  Anyways, if You will be there too, my complaints float away with that knowledge.

Teach me to pray without ceasing!

Help me learn from You, gentle and lowly of heart, and find rest for my soul.

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” ~ Matthew 11:29,30

~

Cloudy, grey, and damp outside.  Cookies and spicy chai tea inside.  A finished, sealed letter to a friend waiting cheerfully plump on the shelf for Monday mail.  Cozy socks, pastel blue and over my knees.

Sitting at His feet that tread the dawn.

Harris, Humility, and Hunger

"What we suffer from today is humility in the wrong place. 

G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy

Last night I roamed among the shelves of Barnes and Nobles with my mom and older brother Sam (visiting from Iowa).  Settling myself in an overstuffed chair, I read bits of two books by Joshua Harris: his newest one, Dug Down Deep, and an older one which I somehow never got around to reading, Boy Meets Girl.  Here are good summaries from the author on what these books are about:

Dug Down Deep: Unearthing What I Believe and Why It Matter is my reveling in theology in my own simple way – not too polished, sometimes awkward, less than scholarly, hopefully gracious and faithful.  Even though these are deep truths, I don't pretend to be swimming in the deep end of the pool.  I'm splashing in the shallow end.  But if my splashing can inspire you to dive in, I will have succeeded.

~~~

I know the last thing most singles want is more rules and, in Boy Meets Girl, I wanted to offer an alternative: an intentional, God-pleasing game plan for finding a future spouse. In the book, I discuss how biblical courtship (a healthy, joyous alternative to recreational dating) worked for me and my wife Shannon, to give an encouraging and practical example for readers wanting to pursue the possibility of marriage with someone they're serious about.

The little bits I read in that hour were both refreshing and challenging. 

Perhaps its that "Humble Orthadoxy" that stands firm on Scriptural truth with a heart of humility and love for people even as we abhor sin.   Perhaps its the realization that Harris came from a similar background as me (a big family of conservative homeschoolers), so his struggles and challenges sound very similar.  Or perhaps its the fact that he shares how he's grown in living out the Christian faith in such a vulnerable and passionate way.

Anyways, I woke up this morning hungry.  Hungry for more of those good books.  But mainly hungry for more Scripture, where my roots should always be growing deeper.  The fact that I am neither as humble nor as firm in my convictions as I should be is not excusable.  But neither is it cause for despair, because that's the point - truth is true whether I follow it or not.  And how much better to see where I'm wrong and change, something God always invites us to do.

As Gandalf says with his quiet, winking smile, "And that is an encouraging thought."

Pride juggles with her toppling towers,

They strike the sun and cease,

But the firm feet of humility

They grip the ground like trees.  

 

G.K. Chesterton, The Ballad of the White Horse

Have you been "hungry" for a particular book lately, or found any good quotes on true humility?

Do I Value Life?

I've been thinking about children, family, and the old question of "How many kids do you want?" lately.   Reading lots of blogs, writing rambling thoughts...  Some of it reminded me of why I believe as strongly as I do.  Some of it pointed out various lies and traps of Satan I have fallen into, generally regarding reactions motivated through fear.  But also a bad habit of almost worshiping big families for their numbers alone.

I confess, I need often be reminded that, as much fun as I think a huge family would be, the number God has in mind will be perfect, whether it be ten, one, or none. It is my inward attitude toward the sovereign God and my neighbors that is the most vital, as I was reminded in these words from Stacy MacDonald:

You see, it’s not about numbers—an out of wedlock mother of eight who is paid by the government to stay unmarried and dependent on the state could easily out breed most of us, if given enough incentive.

No; it’s about faithfulness. It’s about instilling in our children, our church, and our culture a passion for purity, children, family, and most of all, Jesus. It’s about raising up godly seed (Christian children) who aren’t focused on living for their own fleeting pleasures; but, are instead committed to glorifying God and enjoying Him forever—which involves loving one’s neighbor as one’s self.

"For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”" (Galatians 5:14, ESV)

But you see, before we can do that, we have to believe it. Really believe it. We have to believe it so much that we are living it out each day without even thinking. We must value each life as much as we value our own—way down deep…

Life. Its value, it seems, is measured only in what it offers us—or how it threatens to inconvenience us. The more I contemplate the value of children, the more I realize that my view of children is bound up in how I value life. Am I truly loving my neighbor, my own family, the lost, the poor? Am I looking for ways to bring more and more glory to my Lord?

…Here’s the thing. It’s not about whether or not you believe birth control is a sin. It’s really not about that at all, and in some ways it distracts us from the real point. The real issue is far, far more important. It’s about loving God, loving our neighbor, loving life, embracing His revealed will, and working hard to live out the Gospel honestly and faithfully before a watching...and desperate world. 

Read the rest of Stacy's gracious post

Honestly, I am selfish. Loving people, investing in their lives, is a challenge for me. Often I’d much rather go off and do my own thing – watch a movie, read a book, have time by myself with my own cup of tea. The mindset and life God calls us to is hard stuff! Do I have what it takes to love even one person for the rest of my life? Even for ten years? One year? A day?

No. Alone, I don’t. But with God, all things are possible.

Humility

Do not look at pride as only an unbecoming temper,
or at humility as only a decent virtue.

The one is death, and the other is life;

the one is all hell, and the other is all heaven.

~from Humility, by Andrew Murray~

Tiptoeing through this small-but-weighty book lately, I've been challenged to see not only my acts of obvious pride, but also my inherent spirit of pride. 

Murray reminded me that "the danger of pride is greater and nearer than we think."

Thankfully, "the grace for humility is greater and nearer, too, than we think."  As Murray says, "The humility of Jesus is our salvation."

All praise and glory to the Lamb of God, who humbled Himself even to death on a cross for you and me! 

photo taken by my Mom :-)

For the Sake of My Sisters

(another picture from my mother, taken on the snow day last week) 

I don't have anything monumental to share.  Plenty of little things have kept me busy... 

On second thought, I suppose one of those little things is big enough to post about; I've started hanging it with our youth group at church.

Depending on my reader, the topic of youth group might be controversial.  I might be making everyone shake their head in wonder at my confused and unwise little head, either regarding my past ideas or my current stance (again, depending on my reader).  So if you're getting ready to throw snowballs of disagreement, please throw gently, and don't put rocks in them! ;-)  This is my journey.  Yours may be different.  Let's love each other anyways, shall we?    

Funny, I never thought I'd be helping with a youth group.  Even a year ago I would have protested loudly.  Anything but that!  Some of this had to do with my own feelings of uncoolness (at 25 I can still feel, and unfortunately look, like an awkward 18-year-old).  But that was actually insecurity and pride in disguise.  Also, I thought youth groups were usually more damaging than helpful, since they have potential to splinter family time and lump a buch of immaturity together where it can be even more immature.

Some dear friends (on both sides!) may gasp in shock to hear me say all this, but I think I'm changing my mind: not all youth groups are fundamentally wrong. *gasp! shudder! stagger in shock!* 

Of course I still wish all familes would do everything together.  But until I have a husband to follow who decides how we will do things, and since neither of my parents object, I'm throwing my lot in with my curent church family, full of wise and godly folks.  I was asked to be an adult female presence at youth events, to engage in conversation with girls, to provide that five or ten minutes of attention that let them know they're loved and cared for.

To my own surprise, I was compelled and eager to say yes.  It's already exciting!

I still have my reservations.  (Hope those are allowed!) I still believe youth group can be damaging if it's only a way the younger set isolates itself from the rest of the church family.  And I still believe even the best youth group in the world cannot compare with parents discipling their own kids well.

But I also see a church in which those two concerns are largely answered by parents who really are discipling their kids and showing by example what godly adulthood is.  I see young people who serve each other, who serve the younger kids in nursury and AWANA, who serve their families and the community.  And I see little girls growing in young women, girls I know "of" but want to actually know, who I now have the opportunity to hang out with regularly in the midst of their busy schedule.  

Finally, I remember my short time in a different youth group about 8 years ago, when my world was falling apart, and how a dear youth leader's wife showed me love and attention and got me started journaling my thoughts to the Lord.  I've never been the same since.  If I can encourage even one young lady as much as I was encouraged, I would count my time worthwhile.    

That's not an arguement per se, just some of my rambling thoughts on how God is changing me, teaching me to walk with people in real life (Ephesians 4:1-3).  Sometimes my paradigms shift so wildly, it's embarrassing to tell anyone about the shift - ether they can't believe what I think now, or they can't believe I ever thought what I did.  But I want to record these for my own benefit, and perhaps they will encourage someone else, too.

And MBC youth, you're stuck with me and my funny hats, silly accents, and uncoolness for a while! ;-)

~ ~ ~

Now, on a very different note, here are a few thoughtful posts on Christmas I can across lately.  They were so lovely, from two beauty-loving Christian ladies, that I wanted to share them:

The first is from farmer's wife, homeschooling mom, and poetess, Ann Voskamp:

4 Ways to Celebrate Christ in Christmas

And the second is from a sweet southern lady, Lanier Ivester, a homemaker, literary artist, and shepherdess:

Glad and Golden Hours

A fine weekend to you all! 

Hi, I'm Rael. I'm arrogant.

I have been having a wonderful time with the people in Next Step classes! There are about five local couples, three folks from South Africa, several people from other parts of Africa, and two gentlemen from China. Yesterday we went to the Pecos Rodeo. That was fun. I sat by the Irish and Scottish couple who are missionaries in Zambia. That's not something one gets to do every day!

This afternoon's Next Step class is computer basics. When I found that out, I was tempted to leave. I think I know how handle Word documents and open email attachments. (Hear any sarcasm there? Naw, it can't be. Rael is never sarcastic!)

But I think I'll stay for a bit. The Techknow Monks are very patient, and it's humbling to watch them explain what I think is so basic.

Ah, now Caleb is explaining Word. I admit, I don't know where everything is located on this new version. Ha! I really don't understand everything.

How sad life would be if the world was only as big as I thought!