I know that I’m a shadow
But I’m dancing in your light
But I’m dancing in your light
~ J. J. Heller ~
- scribbled a while back -
I had been gloomy lately, played the victim. Quite without reason, especially in light of recent pain in my church family.
After all, I was not the parent whose little girl died suddenly of a common flu. I was not getting a knee replacement or surgery to remove cancer and going through painful recovery. It was not I who sent my baby girl into intense surgery, and now face the challenge of learning to do basic care for her in the large, bulky cast.
My sorrows are not so huge. But even patience, self-control, trying to trust God while life rushes by in a whirl - even these are burdens. Sometimes I feel alone, and think I will never grow.
But since this Sunday morning, the light of God's compassion and might have shone on all these, and reminded me of a secret too well kept.
Laughter in the dark.
This morning Tyler talked about the Abundant Life that Christ came to give. Not a list of rules wherein misery means holiness. Not a promise of more stuff or an easy life.
If I believe in Him, I have everlasting life. Not "I will have." It is mine now. Will I act sad and dead with that gift ready to burst forth like a mighty acorn seedling?
Then in Sunday School, Laynce Nix talked about discipleship - which is being an apprentice of Jesus. Sitting at His feet all the time. Someone asked for practical application - she knows He is God but the ice needs breaking outside, the horses fed, the chores done.
And Laynce suggested that in the everyday moment, hectic or mundane or ordinary, be a disciple.
That thought was not new, but somehow struck me new. I can choose obedience, remember He is present, and just be with Him. Rest joyfully in my smallness next to His greatness.
"And do not be called teachers; for One is your Teacher, the Christ. But he who is greatest among you shall be your servant." ~ Matthew 23:10, 11~
I want that, Lord! Awareness of You every moment. Not focusing on my nothingness - You have made me something, and I forget! - but rather focusing on Your Muchness.
This excites me like being called on a great adventure with someone better than a Jedi master, better than wise Gandalf. Oh great Christ, I am choosing to be Your apprentice, to learn from You whatever the circumstances.
Today, for instance, at the youth group Super Bowl party, which I would really rather not go to. But You, Master, ask me to love people and make more disciples, and maybe this is part of that. Anyways, if You will be there too, my complaints float away with that knowledge.
Teach me to pray without ceasing!
Help me learn from You, gentle and lowly of heart, and find rest for my soul.
"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” ~ Matthew 11:29,30
Cloudy, grey, and damp outside. Cookies and spicy chai tea inside. A finished, sealed letter to a friend waiting cheerfully plump on the shelf for Monday mail. Cozy socks, pastel blue and over my knees.
Sitting at His feet that tread the dawn.